Advice to a toilet paper god
by wolfgirl12390
Summary: Thats right amber is officailly Anubis's wingman, err women. How could this possibly go wrong and what crazy adventures will go on? Slightly OOC
1. Dating part 1

**I don't own the Kane Chronicles whatsoever. Note this is from my OC's point of view. **

**I Give the Egyptian God of Toilet Paper Dating Advice**

"You called me here why" I ask Anubis who is sitting across from me at the table in the middle of the graveyard.

"I need" he pauses and blushes so hard that for a second I thought he couldn't breathe "I need dating advice."

For about five minutes I just laugh. Then I look at Anubis who is redder than a tomato and I crack up all over again.

"it's not funny" Anubis whines.

"fine, fine" I say "first up no whining" Anubis opens his mouth to say something but I interrupt him "second you gotta be romantic." Anubis cocks his head confused and I mentally face palm. "you know hold her hand, maybe even a kiss." Anubis blushes once more probably thinking about kissing whoever he likes. "now what do you have planned." Anubis cocks his head and I pace palm again this time physically. "what are you going to do on your date."

"I don't know" he says.

"where did you go on your last date" I question him.

He blushes even harder than I thought possible. "I've never been on a date before" he says finally.

"seriously" I laugh causing Anubis to blush even harder.

"since I know you can't go anywhere outside of graveyard I suggest you find the most romantic grave yard possible" I say "and I know the perfect one. Can you transport us to the Southeast graveyard of Southland Pennsylvania?"

Anubis nods and opens up a portal. We step through it. When we come out of the portal I see lights and beautiful settings and a table right in the center.

"wow what is this place" asks an amazed Anubis.

"the Southeast graveyard of Southland Pennsylvania, aka the place my mom and dad got married, aka the place my grandmother is buried" I say. "Now what are you planning on bringing her."

"huh" Anubis questions. For that I slapped him on the back of the head. "Ouch what the heck."

"that was a Gibbs slap" I say.

"well it hurts" complains Anubis.

"for a god you a real wimp" I laugh.

"am not" wines Anubis. For than I grab his arm and flip him literally knocking him out, which is interesting because he's a god after all I didn't even know he could sleep.


	2. Dating part 2

**How not to go on a date**

It had been three days since I had started giving him dating advice. After numerous slaps to back of his and lots and lots of advice Anubis was had finally worked up the nerve to ask Sadie out on a date. Thanks to my excellent tutelage and the fact that Sadie had a preexisting crush on Anubis she said yes. Now it was time for the first date. We were in the graveyard I had picked out.

"How do you feel" I asked Anubis.

"like I'm gonna puke" he answered nervously.

"you look like it" I joked.

"Anubis where are you" a voice coming from the entrance to the graveyard said. That must've been Sadie.

"coming" Anubis ran over to where Sadie was as I hid so I could watch the date.

"oh well it's beautiful" said Sadie looking at the scenery.

"not as beautiful as you" said Anubis. I face palmed mentally because that is the worst pick up line EVER!

They walked over to the table and began eating the dinner (made by me) that Anubis had set out. It went well up until dinner ended and they were just walking around the graveyard.

"this place is seriously beautiful" Sadie said.

"not as beautiful as you" Anubis said once more. I made a mental note to teach that boy better pickup lines. Sadie slapped Anubis.

"what was that for" whined Anubis.

"you called me beautiful twice tonight" said Sadie.

"so" Anubis asked.

"So! where'd you learn your pickup lines from" Sadie asked.

"set" Anubis blushed.

"well tell him to get better pickup lines" Sadie giggled at Anubis's blushing.

If it were me I would've slapped him again. Then Sadie looked him in the eyes and leaned in for a kiss, and somehow Anubis knew what to do. They kissed and u had to resist the urge to go AWWW. By now the son had set.

"I've got to go" said Sadie as she walked towards the exit of the graveyard.

Once Sadie was out of earshot I got out of my hiding place went up to Anubis.

"How you feeling champ" I patted him on the back.

"like I'm gonna pass out" Anubis said and then he did.

End of chapter 2

**They may be more or may not.**


	3. Family Issues

Family issues

Anubis and I were in the graveyard just hanging out pretty normal, and of course Anubis was freaking out which was rather normal for him.

"Just calm down" I said calmly.

"How, my stupid family reunion is tomorrow" Anubis was still freaking out. I give him a slap to the back of the head. "Ow" he complained.

"Now what are the major problems with the family reunion" I asked.

"My stupid arrogant cousin Horus is bringing his new girlfriend" Anubis complained "plus my stupid dad is going to be there."

"K, first the date" I replied coming up with an idea "it's simple really just ask Sadie."

"No way" Anubis sounded nervous "if my dad found out I liked her he would go ballistic, not to mention Horus would tease me about the fact that I can't get a goddess to like me"

"Ok new plan" I was a bit stuck "aha I'll go with you." Anubis looked at me. "Think about it this way, I am hosting a god so it would solve the have to date a god issue, and since I don't know your father he doesn't hate me… I hope."

"That should work" Anubis replied happily.

**The next day**

Anubis was going to pick me up in about five minutes. I felt I was forgetting something. What was it? I had told Sadie what was going to happen so she wouldn't get jealous, so what I forgetting. That was what I was pondering. Then Anubis showed up.

"Ready" he asked me.

"Yup" I said.

Anubis opened a portal and we walked through it. When we were there I noticed Set, Osiris, Isis, Nephthys were already there. Then another portal opened up and Horus came out of it with some blonde cheerleader looking girl.

"Lord Osiris, Isis, Horus, mother, father" Anubis acknowledged everyone "this is my girlfriend Amber."

Set raised his eye at me. "Current host of Hathor/Sekhmet, blood of the pharaohs, and much more" I said trying to sound impressive. I could tell it worked on Set as well as Nephthys and Isis. Horus on the other hand looked less impressed.

"Definitely not a fighter" said Horus "hey she fits you Anubis."

That got me angry. Sekhmet taking over me a little bit I went over to Horus and did what I do best. I slapped on the back of the head. Horus surprised then tried to punch me but my karate training kicking in took his hand and flipped him.

"Wow bronze and beauty" Horus laughed getting up "not bad."

Anubis smiled at me and I gave him secret thumbs up. I still felt like I was forgetting something.

**Meanwhile Seanie's POV**

I was walking around the 21st Nome tomorrow was Amber and my week and half anniversary so I was looking for her. That's when I spotted Sadie.

"Hey Sadie" I walked over her "have you seen Amber."

"She's Anubis's date to his family reunion" she answered. That got me angry.

I used my special training to locate Amber and teleport myself to her. When I got there I saw  
>Anubis with HIS arm around MY girl.<p>

**Amber's POV**

It was half way through the reunion and things were going well, but I couldn't help feel that I had forgotten something. Then out of nowhere a portal opened and Seanie of all people stepped out of it. He walked over to Anubis and punched him I the face knocking him down. That's when I remembered what I forgot.

"That's my girl" screamed an angry Seanie at Anubis who then proceeded to punch him once more.

"What the heck" asked Horus as he attempted to pry Seanie of Anubis only to be punched in the gut having the wind knocked out of him.

"Seanie wait" I cried "I was just pretending to be his girlfriend so that he wouldn't show up dateless."

"Wait what" asked Seanie as he got off of the now unconscious Anubis. After a lot of explaining to, well, everyone Seanie and I went back to the first the Nome.

**End of chapter 3**

**See I said family reunions never end well. **


	4. Bullies

**BULLIES**

**Amber's POV**

It was around 3 in the afternoon. I was waiting in the graveyard for Anubis. He was late! Fifteen minutes late to be exact. Then he finally showed up. He had a black eye and was limping.

"What happened to you" I exclaimed running over to him.

"I got beat up" he said sitting down on a gravestone.

"Well I can see that" I resisted the urge to slap him on the back of head.

I touched Anubis's ankle trying to be sure it's not broken. He cried out in pain.

"Yup it's broken" I said.

"I'm a god it'll be fine tomorrow, OWWW!" Anubis cried out in pain once more.

"So explain to me what happened" I said wanting to what happened.

"well during lunch I was just minding my own business reading and then one of the seniors came and picked me up by my shirt collar then he beat me up for no reason" Explained Anubis.

That got me flashing back.

_It was the second week of 6__th__ grade. I was minding my own business at lunch when some 8__th__ grader walked up to me and banged my head onto the table. The next day he did the same thing and the next too. Finally I got sick of it. I had been training in karate since I was about 2 so since I was 11 then I could kiss some serious butt. So did something relatively stupid. When he tried to knock my head against to the table I flipped him and then round house kicked him. _

"Uh amber" Anubis waved his hand in front of my face.

"You need karate lessons" I smiled deviously "starting tomorrow."

**The next day**

The next day was a Saturday so neither of us had school. Anubis and I were in the graveyard. He was right about his ankle healing by then.

"ready" I asked.

"yep" he answered.

"good" I said "first I'll teach you some basic punches." I punched the air.

After about an hour he was ready for blocks. That was fun, for me anyway. I got to punch him and he had to block me. Then it was time for dodging and kicking. Anubis caught on to this rather quickly, although at the beginning of the dodging he did let his guard down and I sort of knocked him into a tree.

"perfect" I said when it was getting late "now all that's left is you gotta challenge the bully to a fight."

"Right, just as soon as I confess my love to Sadie and her to marry me." Anubis said sarcastically.

"well it's too late I back down now because I already challenged the kid to a fight" I smiled.

"WHAT!" Anubis exclaimed.

"The fight is tomorrow at noon" I said walking away "see you there."

**The next day again still Amber's POV**

It was time for the fight. Surprisingly by the time Anubis showed up with Seanie and I as backup there was already a crowd of people.

"Looks like the dork showed up" said a tall and very muscular boy who I only guessed to be the bully that was giving Anubis so much trouble.

Anubis and the bully stood about a foot away from each other ready to fight.

"fight, fight, fight" the crowd chanted.

Then the bully charged toward Anubis to be grabbed by the hand and flipped. The bully then got up and attempted but by this time Anubis was behind and the bully got Gibbs slapped. I smiled with pride in my pupil. After Anubis did the stupidest thing possible he let his guard down. Anubis tried to kick the bully only to have his foot grabbed and himself thrown to the ground. Anubis attempting to get up only to kicked several times before he finally passed out. The bully was about to stomp of Anubis's head when I decided to get in the way.

"stop it" I pushed the bully away.

"what is he your boyfriend or something" mocked the bully.

"that would be me" Seanie came over.

The fight between Seanie, the bully, and I ended in about, 2 or 3 minutes. I round house kicked the bully in the stomach. He gets sent flying backwards. Seanie flips him and the bully passes out.

**Chapter end**


	5. More dating

More Dating

Amber's POV

It was the dance of the gods dance in tomorrow and of course Anubis was freaking out because he didn't have date.

"Why don't you ask Sadie" I asked.

"She's going with Walt." He replied and then looked at me expectantly.

"Sorry can't go with you" I said "I've already got a date."

"Why are you going anyway" Anubis asked me.

"What part of hosting Sekhmet don't you remember" I face palm.

"Just help me" Anubis said.

"Fine I'll work my magic and figure something out" I replied and walked away.

**Later that day**

It was after a training session when I had gone up to Sadie.

"Hey Sadie" I said with a warm smile, something I absolutely SUCKED at.

"Oh, hey amber" she said "what's up."

"I wanted know if you would double date with Seanie and me for the dance of the gods dance" I asked politely, something I HATED to do.

"Uh sure" Sadie looked confused, not that I would blame her I normally chose to hang out with Katie rather than her.

"Cool, let's meet here at 5 tomorrow for Mani/Pedi's" I said excitedly.

**The next day at 5:00**

Sadie was waiting for me when I arrived.

"Come on let's go" I said and pulling her towards the exit. We hitched a cab to a beauty salon called Lacey as Stern. "I'm home"` I called as Sadie I walked in.

"Oh my, Amber" said a strong yet frail looking women.

"Sadie, this is my aunt Lacey" I introduced "Lacey, this is my friend Sadie. We need everything done for a dance."

"I don't know" said Sadie and as payment for not being sure I slapped her on the back of the head. "Ow what the heck."

"That was a Gibbs slap" I say.

"Well it hurts" complains Sadie.

"Wow talk about the same" I mutter under my breath.

"Huh" Sadie asks.

"Nothing" I laugh "just one thing." she nods. "How do you like Anubis?"

"Why" Sadie said startled.

"Just asking" I replied nonchalantly.

"Well I've had a crush on him for a really long time" she opened up "but I don't think he likes me."

**Later that night at the dance around the end**

I had spent the whole night with Seanie because Sadie kept stepping on Walt's feet while they were dancing so Seanie and I ditched them. After Seanie and I kissed, danced and had a teensy weensy 10 minute make out session I decided to see how far Anubis had gotten with Sadie. When I saw Sadie she was sitting in at a table. Then I found Anubis he was sitting at a different table.

"How'd it go" I asked him.

"It didn't go yet" he replied.

That's when I did something bold. I grabbed Anubis took him over to Sadie than I grabbed her and pushed them both to the dance floor.

"Now dance" I told them "or else Sekhmet gets to come out."

At that they started dancing which went pretty well besides the fact they kept stepping on each other's feet. After a while I walked away. Although with I still watched and listened from a table in the dance hall.

** "**You look beautiful tonight" Anubis said to Sadie. I admit he was right my aunt had done Sadie some good.

"Thanks" Sadie replied blushing "you like good yourself." Anubis blushed. Dear gods they were perfect for each other.

"Would be my uh girlfriend" Anubis asked. This slightly surprised me. I knew that he wanted to ask her but he seemed way too nervous to ask.

"Sure" Sadie seemed surprised. They kissed and then both of them passed out.


	6. Tutoring

Tutoring

It was just an average Thursday I was of coarse hanging in a graveyard. I was waiting for Anubis. For some strange reason he was late, which was unusual for him. So I waited. About an hour later Anubis finally showed.

"what's up" I asked.

"I had to stay after school for tutoring" he said.

"what class" I asked.

"hieroglyphics" he answered and took out a piece of papyrus from Duat.

I glanced at the papyrus. then I said "in the blank fill in the missing work." He looked at me creped out. "that's the instructions." I Gibbs slapped him.

Anubis looks at the paper and after about five minutes he started to stare at me incredulously.

"I could read hieroglyphs from the age of 2" I explained "it was my native tongue."

"Please tutor me" he pleaded "please, please, please!"

"fine" I gave in.

After about half an hour of trying to teach Anubis to read hieroglyphs I quit.

"your hopeless" I slapped him on the back of head.

"Ow" he complained rubbing the back of his head.

**Sorry it's so short I got stuck. SOMEONE GIVE AN IDEA OR ELSE I'LL HAVE TO END THE SERIES.**


	7. bad boy

This goes out to Egyptiandude990 who gave me the idea. Let's get a round of applause to Egyptaindude990

Bad boy

Amber's POV

It was a really weird day. I waited for about 3 hours in the graveyard. That's when I finally decided to leave. I went back to Brooklyn house. The first one I approached was Sadie.

"Hey Sadie have you seen Anubis" I asked her.

"I thought he was with you" she replied.

That's just the beginning of it. The next thing I know Sadie and I are transported to the hall of judgment.

"Sadie Amber have you seen Anubis lately" asked the booming voice of Osiris god of the dead.

"no we were just looking for him" said Sadie.

"I was afraid of that" Osiris sighed as he motioned to a glowing ball of smoke "look at this."

The ball of smoke showed something thought-provoking. It was Anubis along with two other boys. One of them I recognized to be the bully that was giving Anubis trouble awhile ago. The other boy looked like the classic version of a high school bad boy. They appeared to be spray painting on the wall of some sort of school.

"that's can't be possible" Sadie sounded horrified.

"where is that boy" I said furious "I gotta knock some sense into him."

Osiris opened up a portal to where Anubis was and I stepped through it.

"whoa what's with chick" said the bully once I had arrived.

"Anubis" I screamed "you are so dead."

"Listen girly" the bully said "Anubis is with us now, so you better be getting back to doing your nails and stay out of this."

"no you listen" I took a step forwards into the bully's face "Anubis is coming with me and you will be in so much trouble when your parents find out."

"blah, blah, blah is all I hear" said Anubis "get outa here girly."

That got me angry.

"make me" I said.

"huh" the bully asked.

"you told me to get out of here" I replied "I'm saying make me."

"oh you're gonna pay now" said the bully as held me up by the color of my shirt."

"Whatevs" I replied and promptly kicked him in the stomach.

The bully staggered backwards and dropped me. I landed on my feet and went over to Anubis. I grabbed him and went through a portal that opened.

"You are so dead" I screamed in his face. The first thing I noticed about where we were transported to was it was a graveyard.

"I'm sorry" Anubis sighed.

"why would you get mixed up with those bunch of losers" I asked him.

"so that way I didn't get beat up again" said Anubis.

"good thinking but still a bad idea" I laughed.

"Listen" I said my voice softening to a rather motherly tone "I know it hurts now but you just got to be the bigger person and besides in few thousand years they'll be in jail and you won't."

"thanks" he replied.

"now come on" I said as a portal opened.

We stepped through the portal and came out back in the hall of judgment.

"Amber, Sadie you may go now" Osiris opened a portal "Anubis and I have some talking to do."

We stepped through it and left.

**Sometime later**

So in the end Anubis was grounded for 2 decades. But he learned his lesson and he can still hang out with me as well as Sadie. So yeah.


	8. The amusement park

**Amber's POV**

Today I was taking Anubis to an amusement park. I had found out he had never been to one and decided he needed to go. I knew the perfect one too. It was called Terror Park and was home to the fastest rollercoaster in all of the U.S. plus it was built on top of a Native American burial ground so it was a place where Anubis could appear. As I dragged Anubis into the park I followed by my boyfriend Seanie and my annoying older brother Simon.

"Ok so for rollercoasters we'll start out small and get to biggest ones by the end of the day" I stated "which is why for now Simon is going to take Anubis on the stupid baby rollercoasters while Seanie and I go in the tunnel of love."

I pushed Simon and Anubis off in the direction of the twister, then grabbed Seanie and pulled him to the tunnel of love.

"Do we have to" Seanie whined.

"Yep" I pulled him into line.

"Well how about we wait until the line is shorter" Seanie suggested even though there were only four couples ahead of us.

"Fine" I moaned.

"If you need me I'll be in the video arcade" Seanie left.

* * *

><p><strong>Meanwhile Simon's POV<strong>

I HATED rollercoasters. Why my sister always forces me to go on them is beyond me. What is even more beyond me is why I always agree to go. So I was standing in line with Anubis for the twister which was probably a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10. Amber would probably take Anubis on the rides once they got to like a scale of 7 out of 10. Anyway Anubis looked paler than usual.

"You ok dude" I asked.

"Yeah fine" Anubis replied but he sounded scared.

"What's wrong" I asked.

"You can't get seriously injured on one of these things can you" Anubis gulped.

I shrugged and Anubis gulped again. It was our turn to ride. We got on and rode.

* * *

><p><strong>4 hours later<strong>

It was time for the last of rollercoasters that I would take Anubis on. This one was a 6.5 on a scale of 10.

* * *

><p><strong>Amber's POV<strong>

"Hey Seanie, come on let's go on the tunnel of love" I grabbed the boy and started pulling him out of the arcade.

"Wait I was in the middle of a game of Galaga" Seanie replied trying to pull "and besides I REALLY don't want to."

"Fine" I muttered hurt "if you need me I'll on the Storm Hawk."

I walked away met up with Anubis and Simon who had just gotten off the Thunder Twizzler. Anubis looked positively green. Then again the Thunder Twizzler was basically a giant spinning death trap. I never liked it much because I preferred rides with loops, and turns, and stuff like that.

"Ready for your next ride" I asked Anubis trying to sound cheerful even though I was sad.

"Yeah, which one is it" Anubis replied.

I pointed towards the Storm Hawk. It was the tallest ride around. It was also the fastest ride, had the biggest drops, and half of it was upside down.

"Whoa" Anubis stuttered eyes as wide of saucers.

"Yep" I replied "the best ride in the park, scored a 15 out of 10 on the awesome-o-meter.

I grabbed Anubis and pulled him in line. The line was relatively short since it was getting late. Once we were at the front of the line the ride conductor person gave us each a piece of paper to sign.

"What that for" Anubis inquired.

"Oh just a little form you have to sign in case we die or get hurt or something like that" I replied signing both our names on it.

"Wait what" Anubis half screamed.

Wow for a god of funerals he was seriously afraid of dying. It was then the ride started. We blasted off from 0 to 300 miles in about 5 seconds. Normally I'd be having fun on this ride but right now I just missed Seanie. I was annoyed he didn't want to go on the tunnel of love with me. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't notice the ride had ended until Anubis got out. Once I had noticed I got out and started walking to the exit.

"Hey Amber what's wrong" Anubis asked.

"Oh nothing" I replied. Anubis looked at me and I could tell he didn't believe me. "My stupid boyfriend didn't want to ride the tunnel of love with me."

"I'll ride with you" Anubis said suddenly "you know if it'll cheer you up."

I stared at him then replied "thanks."

**End of chapter**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: please vote on the poll on my profile for the next chapter<strong>


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